Dear .....
Princess of my loneliness, how you come and go, without warning. You slip through my broken window seals. You drift lazily under the doors—your own brand of chill, in no hurry to move on. When you settle in, Melancholy, you settle in. I hear there are houses and hearts that you do not haunt.
“On The Verge, Or, The Geography of Yearning”—the test I am in—was supposed to be over this week. There have been frustrating technical difficulties, and my success has been postponed. Oh, the things I could write, the things I could say, of the hours and hours of work. I have loved working with my colleagues. I have loved working as a challenger again. But there is only so much we can control. I suppose it is an exercise in the art of zen, recognizing this—recognizing that the effort may fail despite the fact that we have worked as strenuously and as passionately and as enthusiastically as we know how. We cannot do it alone.
This office is same as my school or college used to be.We are sitting on our back steps. I am leaning on his(melancholy) lap, and his arm is around me. We look alike.
This week, had my 4th Anniversary, but now, she is not with me.People leave us and go away, without even caring for once..
So I have a new valentine now..and her name is melancholiness...I have the new song from the movie AUTOGRAPH in my lips..."Amake Amar moto THAKTE DAO...AAMI NIJEKE NIJER MOTO GUCHIYE NIYECHI..."
I cannot think of a more melancholy song, especially for a lonely person like me.
I tried so many times to call her, but she never responded....
I wish she had said something. There are so many things I wish she had said, and not said....
But I am my own funny valentine, always and forever, world without end...
As one day I told my colleague Prnks while trying to understand a little bit of programming in J2EE...
“The cookies have walnuts,” . “Just…so you know....Duniya hai Gol..aur...TV...” I sounded absurd, as ever, to her. Cloying. Ridiculous. Insane.
“Thanks,” she said...
There is not much to say, beyond that.
The tears come unexpectedly today. Another long night of rehearsal, a dress rehearsal, lies ahead. Until then, I struggle with bills, with student loan issues, with a half-hearted piece of writing at another venue, with the physical distance between me and a dear soul who is just beginning to learn to navigate my melancholy(I hope so). I struggle to understand how the past can hold so much blood, how the past can keep bleeding into my present. The future is very hard for me to see. I want to see it. But I do not feel lucky. I feel like I will be punished for any new happinesses, for any new hopes.
I do not enjoy this expansion. I would prefer my heart to take up a new motto: “Out with the old, in with the new.” “Time heals all wounds.” “No past, no future, only now....”
With LOVE,
Yours trully,
Shounak....
